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[Monday, June 8th 2009] |
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may just never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
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| ahhhh |
[Tuesday, May 26th 2009] |
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Holy crap, I'm gonna see Andy for the first time in almost 3 years. -_-
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[Saturday, May 2nd 2009] |
My thrusday night consisted of myself & Ginna with the gas mask. It was a little interesting. Then last night we went to Yasmin's birthday hotel party. It was kinda nice to see some familiar faces that I hadn't seen in a long time. Basically got pretty drunk & got home at 5am. I'm having a welcome home party for Carrington today, hope all turns out good.
Adios. <3
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[Wednesday, April 29th 2009] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars.
Once I get out of work I get 3 phone calls back to back. I call him back to see whats going on. He tells me he had a convo with his father whom no longer wants us to be together because " if I put him out once, I'll do it again". I find it funny that his father said that because you know what? Jason kicked me out of his place more times than I can count. We fought, and he would kick me out. What about the nights I slept in my car? What about the night were I had to drive 1 hour home from broward and ended up on the side of the fucking turnpike throwing up? What about when I had to go stay at LeeLee's house, & Martha's house, & Ej's house? How about the night he left me in NYC? But noooo no one see's that.
I'm the bad guy. I seem to be the bad guy because I'm fed up? This doesn't quiet sound right. I mean I stood by the mans side long enough. I dealt with enough of his shit. Supported him through enough of his hard times. And well, I'm the bad guy. Is it because he finally realized that I was a good woman? Bcus he finally realized that it would be " cheaper to keep her? " or because that my love was actually true? I'm the bad guy bcus he changed the past 3 months? Oh please... its a little late for that now.
Who the fuck knows? Cus I sure as hell know I don't. I'm tired of the battles, the fighting and the nonsense cus that's what it was... pure nonsense. I felt stuck, I felt like I was in a rut. I was unhappy. I need to find the happiness within myself, on my own time before I can be happy with a man again.
He wants a time line, a estimate of when I'll be done having " my time". There's no estimate. We're broken up. If the stars align and we ever meet again, then I know all this was really worth it & you really are my soul mate. But if not, I'm sorry but it ends here. It was fun while it lasted, and I hope you know you're friendship means the most to me.
I need to be me. I need to be me & on my own time.
Its 199% true when they say that when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it. & that's how i feel.
My intentions were never to hurt him, but you know what... he knew I was hurting basically that entire first year with all the bullshit he put me through & it wasn't enough for him to stop the crap. So why should I stop living my life the way I want to right now? I shouldn't. I won't. Maybe I'm being selfish, who knows maybe I'm even fucking wrong. But for now I'm okay with sleeping in my bed alone.
Sooner or later either he'll realize your worth it
or you'll realize he isn't.
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[Wednesday, April 29th 2009] |
I want a lover that knows me
A lover to come & hold me
And then take me away
I'm at work right now & I totally realized I can download this application for my phone! Seems to work pretty good so far. This place is super slow. I'm hungry but we never eat lunch early. I feel crazy.. part of me wants to go out tonight & part of me just wants to stay home. Let's see what this day has in store for me.
ADIOS <3
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[Tuesday, April 28th 2009] |
I don’t just want your heart.
I want your flesh,
your skin and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts,
your pulse and most of all your fingerprints, everywhere.
Once again I'm back. This time I'm 20 years old, single, taking time off from school bcus I'm going to Europe and currently working with my mom again. Things with me and Jason didn't work out. I know what your thinking, it took me long enough to realize but you know what? FUCK IT! It's my life. If I want to learn shit the hard way, then I'm gonna do just that. He moved out so this time its pretty serious.
I've gotten a sudden lust for life. I feel like I have gone wild. I just want freedom and to live. I want to party, I want to stay out all night long. I want to say I haven't slept in 4 days bcus I've been to busy having fun! I don't know whats going on. I got bit by the party bug or something.
Thanks to my wonderful friends Chef & Relz I was able to go up to Gainesville for the Drake/Lupe concert. Lets just say that it was a 5 hour drive and a very big adventure! We stopped to eat at Sonics. <3 Once we got there I met up with Carrington cus he's my hero & he was going to the concert with me! & Then I met up with Herbie. We went to go eat, then to UF to go see the Campus. That shit is huge, when I get back to my car i find out they put a boot on it. I couldn't drive away. I had to pay $60 for them to remove it. After the concert my hero left me to go back to Tally, but I stayed with the girls in one of their friends apartments. We stayed up till about 7am just singing and drinking beer. Good times!
Freedom is the best feeling someone can have, & you should never allow someone to take that away from you.
I hope to continue using this thing.
Adios. <3
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[Wednesday, November 21st 2007] |
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So every now & then I come around and remember I have one of these, & this is one of those times.. I'm at Jason's hanging out.. not doing much. So yeah, lets see if I remember to keep posting. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
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[Monday, August 13th 2007] |
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so i went to lee lee's house last night, & then slept over jason's. i got home around noon & went to south beach with lee lee & ginna, we met up with lisa & her friend phill. after that i came home, the snugs showed up & we had a hugee session. im fucking zooted right now. time for bed. mwa!
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[Friday, May 11th 2007] |
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It seems my updates are never good but can you blame me? I'm fucking depressed & the world around me does nothing but push me down & claim its only because " they want whats best for me ". Well you know what take that bullshit idea of your's & shove it because I can't remember the last time I asked anyone besides my mom for a shoulder or some advice. I spent this morning crying to my mom about how i felt, issues with friends, & how I'm dying to drop out of school. When I say crying, I really mean BAWLING. My mom leaves for work and about 10 minutes later my brother gets here bitching at me because I'm not at school. Last time I checked the only one I needed to report to was my mother, so I told him she already knew. Then he started screaming about how I wasn't going to graduate and blah blah blah. It got really nasty because I told him I hadn't asked for his opinion & he started ranting about how I'm a piece of shit because I'm always crying for my alcoholic boyfriend (Andy) which I haven't even spoken to in like 3 days now. I don't know where he gets his fucking ideas but he's got me fucked up. He does nothing but fuck over my mom & make her suffer yet he's suppose to be a voice of reason for me? HELL NO! I'm soo hurt right now, I'm crying my eyes out. AH! I hate this world & everyone in it.
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| amazing |
[Saturday, April 21st 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
i found this on youtube & thought it was fucking amazing sooooo i thought i'd share it.
def poetry jam - alicia keys - p.o.w
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.
Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.
I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise
A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth
Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged youself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
<3
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| we all want something good, something different, & exciting. |
[Sunday, January 14th 2007] |
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music |
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Julieta Venegas - Me Voy |
] |
all a girl really wants is for one guy to come
along & prove to her that they're not all the same.
i've had the worst couple days ever.. my mom is finally talking to me again, & i just got a sty in my left eye. i'm so tired of always being sick, its really getting to me.. if its not one thing its another, some type of bad luck strike. no school tomorrow which is good, but i have senior things to do, work, & a research paper to finish. 24 started tonight, and it was really fucking insane! tuesday is royality day in school & me and my friends are going all dressed up, i can't wait until senior citizen day.. I have a walking cane & a bunch of funny stuff.. ugh, well that's it.. i don't really feel like explaining much.
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[Sunday, January 7th 2007] |
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together
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| blinding sight. |
[Monday, January 1st 2007] |
I'm not you're star..
isn't that what you said?
You know I'm so against this whole new year resolution thing bcus I feel its just another excuse to lie to yourself, saying your gonna fix something you don't like & you never really go through with it. I on the other hand im reflecting on this past year 2006, & just wishing for better things to come. Honestly I think this past year was been the worst year for me in my 18 years of life so far. On so many levels.. emotionally, physical, health wise, family, friendships, just everything... so many lessons learned. I've always thought myself to be this head strong, I can handle anything type of person & I'll admit to this year getting the best of me in every way possible. I believe I've had some good laughs this year, also a lot of bad & tough times, lost my father, met some awesome people, people who stayed by me no matter what, people who weren't close to me & showed me their true colors, people who didn't have words but the look in their eyes & the touch from their hug meant the world, went to a shit load of parties, senior year of school!, got over a boy who hurt me, fell in love with a boy who made me happy, spent almost a year with him, lost my virginity, lost a friend I thought would always be there, realized how low someone who was so close to you can actually go, lost respect for few, realized I'm not into whats " cool " at the moment, realized who was real & who was fake, became depressed at one point, got many different sickness that taught me what pain meant, learned how to be alone, spent many nights at home while everyone else I knew was out having fun getting drunk, cried my eyes out countless amount of nights, travled, went to my first baseball game, got a car, got my heart extremely broken & so much more. I don't have a new years resolution, I won't lie to myself & say this year I'm going to be stronger, bcus I'm not. I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna take anyone's shit, bcus at point .. I will. I rather just close my eyes with tears in them & wish for the best, for better things yet to come & show me what happiness with no exceptions is like. Thats my promise, I promise to take whatever comes my way with open arms. Another year to live & learn & I'm ready for whatever is coming my way, here's to another 365 days before I write another one of theses.
<3
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| i miss him. |
[Saturday, December 9th 2006] |
these days i don’t even know who i am,
let alone where i stand.
everyone seems to be against me,
and things just aren’t going my way,
but if i know one thing it’s that the only time that i feel completely comfortable is
when i’m with you;
all my troubles seem to fade,
and it’s only you and me against the world,
and as corny as that sounds,
i wouldn’t want it
any other way.
i miss him so much.
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| the real you |
[Friday, December 8th 2006] |
i can see through you
see your true colors
see the real you
i noticed today that im always let down at the moments i need someone the most. okay so i`ll admit that ive been depressed lately, i haven't wanted to be out of my room & yes its not healthy. andy said he'd call me back once tony left yesterday & im still waitin for that call. my lip is huge, i got bit by something or its a un`normal pimple who has taken over my face, so my lip is swollen & its infected. i've never felt such pain. i feel so alone. where did it go wrong? i know we could fix it but he's given up, im scared he's gonna start ignoring me cus i can't stop crying & its not helping. ugh. i hate life. i hate love. i hate me! for the first time i think dying would be an easier way out than feeling what i am at this moment.
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| ugh |
[Thursday, December 7th 2006] |
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if i didn't love you,
you would know.
so me & andy broke up last night :( im so sad, i didn't sleep.. and i haven't stopped crying. im not one to try to make them stay if they don't want to but i feel like we gave up, that we coulda make it work & there's no one willing to try anymore. & its my fault bcus i could tell him this & maybe we could fight about it for hours, but at the end of the day he has more reasons why we shouldn't be together & im not one to stop him. i guess i just wasn't his star. & honestly i've never been so broken. i love this kid.
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| untouchable status |
[Tuesday, November 21st 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication |
] |
I found strength in the struggle.
Hello Lj world :). I'm not sure what I want to write but I thought it'd be a good idea to update & get some things out. The holidays are coming so of course, I'm depressed. Well to start it all now comes Thanksgiving, this is my first Thanksgiving without my father. Then shortly after that on the 25th would have been his birthday. My mom isn't doing a dinner that night, she's actually gonna work that day which means I will be alone. I know she's tired but damn it sucks not to have holidays. Then after that comes my 18th birthday which I'm excited for, hopefully it goes great. Christmas is gonna be the same as last year, if I want a Xmas tree I'm gonna have to go buy it, & set it up & then again no Xmas dinner. The tree will be filled with gifts for my friends & that's it. I know I don't have family but the spirit of it is nice. I guess I'm just immature when it comes down to this, I have these ideal thoughts of these holidays I've never had & I can't wait till I exprience a breath taking, nothing but smiles, good time one myself. I'm super happy that Miami has been cold. I love the cold. Other than that I'm done, I miss my boyfriend & that's about it.
<3
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[Saturday, October 28th 2006] |
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| falling, yes im falling ... i just seen a face |
[Tuesday, October 3rd 2006] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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spill canvas - so much |
] |
You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
So I missed out on homecoming & went to Jersey to be with Andy for the weekend. I had a great time.. it was totally worth it. But you see this is just a journal entry for me more than anything else, im having so many issues with myself. I know I have family, and love ( andy ) and as for friends I know who is real & who isn't. But I'm not sure about many things that have to do with me. I've never felt this way before, I've always been so sure that I knew who I was & what I wanted & for the first time ever in almost 18 years I'm making myself confused.
Since my father died in Feb. everything in my life has changed rapidly. The pharse you loose some, you gain some as never been so real to me. I feel like I'm one of those kids who was forced to grow up a little early bcus of certain situtations I've had to deal with & I'm just not into what most kids at my age are. I go to day school, & night school, I work, I save all my money for god knows what, I try to do what it is I have to do. All this, all these great trips here, & there, punta cana, jersey, orlando.. but I'm not happy. It's not a case of what I do or do not have, bcus if there's one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not materialistic like that. For as long as I can remember whenever there was something big wrong with me my mother would send me somewhere, let me travel.. get my mind off things & it would work until I got back home. So whats the case now? Well I'm doing the traveling on my own, & it gives me a lot of time to think. I know there's some general subjects but there has to be more to it than just this.
I love my boyfriend, I love Andy with my all. He's been there for me so much, & when I'm in Jersey with him nothing else matter's at all. I feel untouchable when I'm with him & that's how it's suppose to be. Every realtionship has its up's & down's but these past 9 months have taught me so much, & made me a better, stronger person. He means the world to me & I don't care who knows. Now for the hard part with the way I've been feeling its been making things kinda YACK for us. He's trying to be there for me & I don't know what I feel so I sort of push him away, & when he doesn't try, I get upset. Its wrong of me & I know it. But I'm feeling emo all together, I'm not sure how to handle anything. Most of the time I just wish I had words to tell him just so I can get it out & he could know that it's not him, but it's so hard when most the time I don't even know why I'm crying. He's my bestfriend & I should be able to tell him anything, then why can't I ?
Now on to the subject of school. I'm a senior missing two credits, I'm currently in night school for one of them & I still need another, I'm going to fail english this year for sure bcus I have a teacher from hell & it sucks more than anyone could ever understand. I still have to do community service hours & don't know where to go. As if that isn't enough to worry about I don't know what I wanna study or what schoool to apply to. I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place cus everyone is watching me so closly to achieve all this. This school year sucks for me so much. I don't want to be there at all. There hasn't been one morning were I wake up & I say to myself that I'm actually excited to go & wait for whats ahead of me. This is my senior year, isn't it suppose to be the best year ever? If anyone knows whats suppose to be so great about it let me know bcus I'm missing a lot of it. My classes suck, my lunch sucks even more & I hardly see my friends. I always have TONS of homework & no time to do it. This whole school subject is really pissing me off.
So now onto the next subject that will uberly piss me off & make me want to scream.. friends. It's like a never ending drama with people you once considered super close to you. I feel like I'm a magnent & there's a force field out there just sending people & their drama's towards me. THANKS EARTH ! I know I'm not the best person out there, I too have my flaws & im not shy to admit. But when it comes to friendships I tend to put other's before me & how they would feel if, && no one does it for me in return. So the one time I think of me & want to do something for me, everyone has something to say or plan some spiteful action in return. Well fuck you all bitches. The Beatles & Rocky helped me through this, and well LET IT BE. What goes around comes around & with time you`ll get your's.
My family... well really my mom, bcus she's all i got. She's been going on trips, so thats why I've been having the chance to go see Andy as often as I have. She says she doesn't move away bcus of me & I'm not looking for schools out of miami bcus I won't leave her. I don't understand this, but whatever. Time will tell, & no use in trying to rush fate.. good things come to those who wait. RIGHT! Working at the store has really helped me getting closer to my family, being that they work there also. Its a good chance to bond since we all don't like being home & such. Which is another thing.. my house is huge & being her alone all the time really bites. At the same time I love it bcus its just me & i have nothing to hide, no reason to lower my music or have to run & hide if im crying. I get to scream & be me.
I've been on these I wanna be alone binges where everything tickles me the wrong way, & I just don't wanna deal with anyone. Where I can't get myself out of my bed bcus thats my safe place, with music on, covers over my head & my eyes closed. I don't know if its depression bcus I don't think I'm always sad. But some of these moments have gotten the best of me, I`ll admit. I don't even know how to explain most of them or what it is I actually feel at the moment, but it sucks... really bad. Whatever it is, I hope I snap out of it. I'm guessing I'm going through another one of those gay emotional changes where I'ma get a new outlook on everything, & hate the entire world until then. I really don't know.
This is pretty long & what I really wanted to write about I figured I shouldn't cus thats only feeding fuel to the fire & lets not even go there. So whatever. I'm hoping that after this & a good cry before going to sleep should make me feel a little better for the next few days.This is me & my ridiculous story, like it or leave it. It's who I am these days. Till next time.
<3
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| A MEN ! |
[Monday, September 18th 2006] |
we're women.
we don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to
be pissed off when we don't get it.
<3
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